10 Reasons Why I Don’t Want to Be Your Friend Anymore

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It’s been a good run! We’ve been through a lot together, you and me. Like the time when you mentioned that you were having spaghetti for dinner, remember that? “Yumm-o!” That was classic! Or how about the time you tagged me in that post about your blog in order to get me to go to your website. Nobody loves a good “gotcha” moment more than me! You know me so well!

Yup. Those were good times!

But there comes a time when all good things must come to an end. Including our friendship.

And that time is right now.

I’m not going to insult your intelligence by giving you the “it’s not you, it’s me” line. That’s not fair to you. Besides…well…it is you. It is so you. And because of that, here are the top 10 reasons why I don’t want to be your friend anymore. This is going to hurt you more than it hurts me.

1) Politically Incorrect

I really don’t care who you are going to vote for. So, the fact that you are somehow able to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Barack Obama is a cyborg or that Mitt Romney’s urine contains traces of gold is great, but it’s not going to change how I feel about either candidate. It is however going to change how I feel about you. Your extremist views and your constant need to share them with me has me thinking that everything else that comes out of your mouth is equally as useless to our civilization. Haven’t you ever been taught that you do not discuss sex, religion or politics in an open forum? When I was a kid, I asked my grandfather who he voted for. He refused to tell me because he felt that your vote was sacred. You should try that sometime!

2) Real Life Contagion

Have you seen Contagion? That movie freaked me the hell out. Anyway, (spoiler alert) remember at the end when they showed where the virus originated from on Day 1? Yeah, that’s you. You’re my Day 1. You keep clicking that “I can’t believe she actually did it” video which results in your account getting hacked into. Before long my Facebook newsfeed starts looking like a virtual minefield of your assorted viruses disguised as “awesome” videos. Show some restraint for heaven’s sake!

3) My Second Job? RSVP-ing to Your Events

I get it. You have more stuff going on than I do. And because I can’t make your events that are 3,000+ miles away, I either have the pleasure of a) individually responding to each one or b) not responding to any which results in missing something that I actually wanted to attend. If you could just take a few minutes to go through your list of friends and only invite those that are actually able to attend without breaking the space-time continuum, it would be a big help.

4) Even My 4 Year Old Knows How to Say Thank You

Social media is an amazing forum where you can leverage your connections to seek out advice or feedback on just about anything. And you have no problem asking. So when I offer up some advice or feedback, it wouldn’t kill you to respond. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not suggesting that my advice is the verbal equivalent of splitting the atom. But I do think that my response warrants some form of reaction from you. Instead, what do I get? Crickets. Nothing. How about a thanks? Or maybe a like? Something that shows that you actually hear me or appreciate me taking the time out of my day to be a part of your conversation.

5) Go @#^ Yourself

I’m no saint. And I am not claiming to be one. I just don’t need to hear you unload everything going on in your head in chunks of 4 letter words. Look, I’m all for cleverly placing the naughty stuff here and there. All I’m saying is that it wouldn’t kill you to squeeze in a prepositional phrase or something in between every now and then.

6) Dinner for 5,000

Unless you plan on inviting me over for dinner, I’m pretty much OK without knowing the intricacies of your daily meals. Save it. I’m really not interested. And while we’re at it, please stop taking pictures of your food. That’s just weird. It’s just food.

7) Multi-Level Nuisancing

How clever of you! Disguising that “great to meet you” post on my wall with a link to your latest MLM as if I wouldn’t notice. Whatever webinar you went to or product you bought that told you this was an acceptable form of marketing lied to you. It is not. It’s not marketing. It’s nuisancing. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a problem with MLM’s or the people that work them. There are plenty of professionals out there that are extremely successful at it because they are brilliant marketers. If this is your strategy, you are not one of them.

8) Old McFriendy Had a Farm

I have no interest in raising sheep. I have a hard enough time raising my children. The last thing I need are a bunch of animals running around my little world. Even if they are digital. So stop asking me to join your farm or sell you a chicken or whatever the heck you are doing over there. Unless of course you want me to start posting pictures of my kids on your wall and asking if you to babysit every day.

9) You Speak the Wrong Language

Look at you attempting to multi-task! You’ve connected Twitter and Facebook together so you only have to post one place and both are updated! Bravo! Now your Facebook posts are littered with #’s and @’s which either looks as though you don’t know what you are doing or you don’t care enough to actually put any effort into the conversation. Don’t you get it? Each site has its own language and should have its own strategy? It’s like walking into a Star Trek convention and speaking Huttese (that’s nerd speak for some language they speak in Star Wars…yeah, I had to look that up…it might be inacurate so please don’t write your book report based on this one).

10) I Don’t Look Anything Like That

There is nothing quite like the excitement of waking up to a notification that you tagged me in a picture. So, imagine my confusion when I click on it only to find a picture of a shoe. That’s right. A shoe. A fire engine red pump with 2 inch heals selling for a mere $89.95. You tagged me in the picture along with 99 of my Facebook brothers and sisters in an obvious attempt to get our attention and have your shoe show up on our timeline. Oh, and looky looky, there is a link to your website where we can buy the shoe. (True story). First, red is not my color. Second, just because you aren’t able to think of something clever to get me to want to look at your products does not give you the green light to trick me into looking at your products.

I’m sure I missed a few. Can you think of any others? If you can, make sure you include them in the comments below…

Featured image courtesy of Nomadic Lass licensed via Creative Commons.

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  • http://pegfitzpatrick.com/ Peg Fitzpatrick

    Brilliant as always.

    That’s my only comment.

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      Thanks Peggy! Whenever you leave a comment, tat post goes through the roof. So either you have really good taste or you have a lot of clout!!

      • http://pegfitzpatrick.com/ Peg Fitzpatrick

        I waved my magic sharing wand over it, did it work? Of course I have good taste. Doesn’t everyone think they have good taste? Which leads me to quote one of my favorite movies When Harry Met Sally: “Everybody thinks they have good taste and a sense of humor but they couldn’t possibly all have good taste.” Or a sense of humor.

  • http://twitter.com/bennettdoneit Heather Bennett

    Loved this! The shoe thing is sooooo spot on. You can tell the difference between a “group greeting card” vs. a sales gimmick!

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      That was your shoe, wasn’t it? Don’t lie…I know it was. You’ve been outed!

  • http://twitter.com/BeckyGaylord Becky Gaylord

    It’s great ideas like the ones you present in this post, Marc, that make me really want to be your friend! Glad I am! (I am, still, right?! ; )

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      Of course!! We’re DFF’s!!

  • http://twitter.com/sharongreenthal Sharon Greenthal

    All good points. I am especially irked by #9. Yes, I understand you’re posting to Twitter, but what about those friends who have no idea what Twitter is about? And if I’m already using Twitter, then I’m seeing your post twice…annoying.

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      Thanks Sharon! If I catch anyone breaking this one, do you mind if I send them your way?

  • Dustin Verburg

    You know, it’s strange. People my age always demand to know who I voted for, but in the small town I was raised in that was a total no-no. My stepfather, whose political views I totally disagree with, has some of the best political/voting etiquette I’ve ever seen. Nothing bums me out more than when someone asks about how much money I make or who I voted for.

    So I was pretty stoked to see that my childhood isn’t a total abnormality.

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      Thanks Dustin! Sounds like we grew up in a similar upbringing. I didn’t really know where my family stood until well into my teens. You just didn’t talk about it. Now it appears you don’t stop talking about it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/foodsho Mark Moreno

    Funny and True! Good Stuff, I really enjoyed your post. I would rather read your stuff than delete all of the evites, farmville, mafia wars, and some really goofy stuff from my high school yearbook. Keep up the great work and thanks for sharing.

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      Thanks Mark and I really appreciate you sharing and leaving a comment! Any chance you feel like sharing some of the goofy stuff from your high school yearbook?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1629171778 Susan Hesse Weber

    Thank you and AMEN!
    I would also add that I disLIKE being told to “Like” or share a post. If you tell me to do it, chances are I won’t.

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      Nice one!! I love it when someone posts a picture of something like a bunch of kids and writes “Click Like if you love your kids!” Drives me freaking crazy!

      • http://twitter.com/LEAmerman Laura Amerman, CFRE

        The click “Like” if you don’t want this puppy to die…REALLY??

      • http://twitter.com/EButtsCPA EB

        I wasn’t sure I was going to have anything to add to this conversation until I saw this. Why are there so many of these annoying things floating around on FB? Let me just pile on with a couple more examples of this I’ve seen in the last week…”like if this baby that just had open heart surgery makes you smile” or “like this if you hate cancer” or “like this if you want world peace.” Ok, I made that last one up but I’m sure someone has a picture for this with a bunch of people holding hands singing we are the world.

        It kinda makes me wonder if Mr Zuckerberg, as brilliant a programmer as he is rumored to be, understands the concept of a spam filter. Ok, thanks for letting me get that off my chest :)

        • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

          I’m not sure I understand what is to gain from all of that other than bragging rights. “Look at me! A picture of a kitten with a cutesy catch phrase that I made has 10,000 likes!!” Whoopy!!!!!

  • http://orraclemedia.com/ Rob Orr

    Outstanding Marc! I wrote a similar post myself, and have cleaned house of “friends” on Facebook. I think you nailed all the essentials here – especially the point no the extreme political posts.

  • http://twitter.com/Tunnelbreeze Simon Thompson

    RE:Reasons Why I Don’t Want To Be Your Friend Anymore-Has a thunderbolt
    just hit New Jersey? That was much better than your previous articles
    Marc. In fact it was so good that not only has it brought me out in
    goose bumps I was moved by the fact of such sudden improvement and by
    the directness of your message. Congratulations Marc! You hit the spot.

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      Hey Simon! Thanks so much…that means a lot! I’m not sure what it was around here but something got into me I guess. I hope I didn’t set the bar too high for next week!

  • Beth BaRoss

    Great article, Marc! I would add my personal favorite…those that “check in”, usually with FourSquare. Who cares where you are?

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      Thanks Beth! That’s a good one! I used Four Square for about 3 days and gave it up. As a was to score a few points I was at a restaurant and decided to check in to each place nearby. I didn’t realize one of them was a strip club. Needless to say my Facebook page lit up and I had some explaining to do!

      • Steve VanHove

        One of my former new followers continuously was “checking in from the company bathroom.”

        • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

          Nice! I only hope his next check in was “checking in from the company sink while washing my hands!”

  • http://twitter.com/jebbing9 Jason Ebbing

    Marc – Great stuff as always. You missed one. How about the open ended question/complaint/update which begs and pleads for attention. These are thoughts that should happen in your head not on your social network.

    Examples:
    Well that was nice.
    or
    This has been the worst day ever.
    or
    Some people just don’t get it.

    • http://twitter.com/bennettdoneit Heather Bennett

      Hehe! So true! Or what about, “Worst day everrrrrrr” or scary ones like, “I’ve had enough” <<< Of what? Life? Coffee? Heartburn?

      • http://pegfitzpatrick.com/ Peg Fitzpatrick

        The vague “oh poor me” updates are a drag. Good call, @twitter-35720628:disqus.

      • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

        In their defense, I’ve had enough of heartburn too.

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      Oh man!!!! That’s an awesome one! I wish I thought of it. Nice work Jason!!!! Both you and Heather forgot the obvious one: FML

    • Et

      You, dear sir, are a genius for remembering perhaps the most annoying posts to have ever existed on facebook (or any social media, for that matter)

  • Greggory Hammond

    Nice article! Good points. I try to use my social network to make the world a better place. My current vision: help foster care and at risk youth earn guitars by learning to play them. Here is a short video about the guitar anthem for the children’s music charity GNG. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTPr_mdrH98

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      Good for you Greg! A buddy of mine runs a non-profit that puts guitars in the hands of war vets dealing with PSD. Here is a link to their Facebook page:

      http://www.facebook.com/sixstringheroes

      Keep up the good work!

  • Steve VanHove

    When I was 13 and delivering orders for a local German butcher I was told to get rid of the “Dump [the current President]” button I wore (it was the sixties, you know). I was then told two things you never talk about in business were politics and religion. I guess he thought the third thing was OK. LOL.

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      I’m thinking a butcher is one of the last people that should be talking about sex. Seems a little serial killer-ish.

  • http://www.facebook.com/libertybird Sif Neo

    Hi Marc
    Well you know your limitations of what you feel like putting up with and that´s good and a perfect opportunity for telling people whom tricked or provoked you off on the spot instead of just excluding them.
    Who knows someone might learn something.
    I´m aware that not all individuals are open for changes. But I feel that we as humans have a big responsibility for keep getting better and the least thing we can do is to try harder and get in a dialogue instead of just shutting the things we don´t like out.
    They need to be embraced before they can be changed.
    With all respect you have your good reasons like I have mine and this is my point of view.
    I can see that you have at least one (in your opinion) good reason to unfriend me.
    I don´t want you to but I won´t be hurt if you choose to do so now when I know the circumstances.
    All the best wishes from me ;)

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      I don’t know if I would take it that seriously…just having a little fun. We’re still friends!

  • http://www.redesign2.com/blog.html Paul Biedermann

    Awesome post, Marc! The only shortcoming is that there aren’t twelve points listed here, and the post having its debut someplace else :-)

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      I knew there would be a plug in there somewhere. Funny you mention it, as I wrote it I thought that it would make a good 12most post…but then I got greedy and wanted it all to myself! Bwaa haa haa haa! (that’s my sinister laugh by the way).

  • http://twitter.com/LEAmerman Laura Amerman, CFRE

    Sigh…changing my Twitter settings now…(hangs head in shame)

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      Funny…I didn’t hear from you yesterday about that. I figured you were mad at me and pouting.

  • http://twitter.com/cloudspark jr schmitt

    marc – love the fun, yet honest, note in this post. may i add?
    11) the “numbers” friend – we connected on one (or more) social networks, but as we connect you suddenly stop the conversation. perhaps i was only a +1 to your networks, a number to add to your oh-so-popular social persona.
    12) the auto-poster, over-sharer – the friend who suddenly “vomits” status updates and postings into my stream. this friend blocks everyone else out except their urgent need to share every link, every notation, right now. it’s the overly-needy-to-notice-me that drains me and annoys me at the very same time.
    thanks marc!
    jr @cloudspark

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      Nice addition JR! By the way….how many friends do you have?

  • Van Brown

    Marc, this was one of the better things I’ve read today. I have a similar problem with being tagged with the red pumps with two-inch heels. I’d have absolutely nothing to wear with them, and they’re not even my size!

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      I don’t know Van…you look like the type of guy that could pull off a pair of red pumps! Don’t cut yourself short!

  • Heather Jabusch

    This is great read! Sharing, the sooner we share, we faster we learn :)

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      Nice! Thanks for sharing it Heather!!!!

  • Veronica

    Loved this post. #9 is a particular irritation of mine too. I’m not a fan of FB posts synced to Twitter either

    But I find myself having palpitations every time I see one of those “FB are evil capitalists so hover here and click here so you see everything I write and I don’t have to pay for the privilege!” posts!

    Grrrrrrrr! And breathe! :-)

  • http://www.facebook.com/lorinda.walker Lorinda Walker

    Marc- great article. I’d like to add one more. People who approach you in public and ask you about stuff you’ve posted on FB, without ever commenting on it or liking it on FB. It always takes me off guard when one of my friends mentions something to me and I wonder how in the world did they know that? Oh yeah, I posted it. Please stop lurking and engage with your friends, on line and in person. Thanks for the tips. I’m separating my FB and Twitter accounts. :)

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      Howdy neighbor! What’s even worse is when someone spills their guts on Facebook over something you talked about in person so now the world knows. There is this weird invisible etiquette line that it just appears so many people did not get the memo on!

  • S.Moon

    Ahhhhh the irony. A year or so ago I muted Amiee because if I woke up one more morning with another guilt trip about how unhealthy I am and how I should buy shakeology which I assume she was selling at the time and possibly still is….I was going to kill myself. No offence Mark, I love Amiee, she is a great person…but I didn’t need the “are you feeling down, unhealthy, what have YOU done today? I worked out and drank a shake from shakeology”. Seriously….I hope she stopped.

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      No offense taken. That’s a good example of alienating your friend on Facebook by constantly selling. But it’s not just selling. Overdoing any message is too much. Whether its politics, business or even posting pictures of kittens with rediculous catch phrases, people need variety. Imagine waking up next to Colin day in and day out saying the same thing over and over again all day. Eventually you would shut him off too.

  • Irene :)

    I haven’t been “poked” lately… so perhaps people got the message when I didn’t “poke” back… or FB simply deleted that option because they realized that poking isn’t really an online sport?

    I categorize the constant “my life sucks” posts along with #5 because it “feels” about the same.

    The TMI posts top my list of reasons to unfriend as well… like the rant about about someones ingrown toenail (UGH!)… and please… the picture to go along with it… WHOOOOAAAAAA!!!!! Instant unfriending… no explanation needed as far I can tell! lol

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      OK, that’s just nasty. Who are these people you are friends with?!?!

  • http://twitter.com/MikeShandrick Michael Shandrick

    Hi Mark, I’m a fervent twitterer who loves his two kids, adorable gerbil and organic Guatemalan free trade coffee on the same deck while bonding and writing my new books about life coaching, surfing the web poetry and getting my chakras humming to bird songs. I think we can be friends.

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      You almost had me, but you spelled my name wrong. Sorry. There’s no way we can be friends now. What a shame. Bird songs rock.

  • http://twitter.com/uponacloud Alessia

    I wondered what was wrong with you about the red is not your colour for heels bit before seeing you are a man in the bio. So now I’m left with a big question, who the hell tags a man in a picture of heels? Probably my pet peeve too, people who don’t check who they actually tag in stuff like the events you mentioned already.

    I think I’m guilty of some borderline complaint tweets because I don’t mind them, those I hate really are the “Thanks to a special person (you know who you are) blah blah” or their opposite ones, or those about great news to share but I can’t say it yet. By the time you can I will have forgotten your drum rolls so just go for it when you can ‘kay? Ta.

    And it’s funny that someone mentioned the CTA when like every expert is suggesting you always ask for it to improve engagement. I’ve seen no change and feel like it insults my intelligence 90% of the times, I mentioned this already in another blog post…the Bayern Munchen fan page does it all the time and seriously should you tell fans to like a status about a goal? Wouldn’t not liking it makes us less of a fan? Bah.

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      We’re all guilty of doing something stupid on Social Media. I do it all the time. It’s when you are consistently stupid all of the time that it becomes a problem and you need your accounts taken away from you!

      • http://twitter.com/uponacloud Alessia

        Well, it depends on if it’s funny stupid or plain stupid. In the second case I’m totally on the same page as you. The funny stupid maybe can stay.

  • Setsu U

    I think taking photos of food has replaced saying “Grace.” It’s a moment to pause, reflect and join in with the greater oneness. Whether that’s makes the food taste better, or is a step the road to a higher state of consciousness [hive-mind!] only time will tell.

  • Deb Stein

    Wow, that’s pretty much the bulk of the population. And I agree. It’s this “I get to do what I want” mentality that makes me separate. It needs to be reciprocal. I think the “me” generation has made a come back and I am simply not interested in indulging someone in their self indulgence.

  • Victoria Kenyon

    Painfully (and poignantly) hilarious.

  • Shannon

    I can agree with half of this for various reasons but honestly you sound more like a buzz kill than a friend anyway. Yes, you are lame too, accept it.

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      Accepted.

  • Andrew

    I joined (and enjoy) FB for two reasons… social and business. I have found that the medium is simply a Digital Age cocktail party. We join a group, or create a group, in one corner of the room. If the conversation gets boring or distasteful, we move on to the next group. If another guest joins our group and starts in with antithetical stuff, I’m confident that the like-minded groupies will tell the newcomer where to exit.

    Me personally, I “Hide” posts of food, cute babies, cute pets, Church Lady incantations, rouge tags, and updated profile pix. What I have begun to realize is that by exercising those deletions I am creating a group that is super like-minded to myself. On the one hand, that can create a very myopic world, while on the other side of that coin I am creating a powerhouse team that can please me both socially and business-wise.

    I am but a simple pilgrim. Do you think I’m heading down a path where there will be nothing new for me in my parochial wanderings, or am I contributing to a legacy that will actually improve the world as I see it?

  • Andrew

    PS – Discussing sex, politics, and religion, in a public forum or cocktail party, is the absolute best way to shape your team. It strengthens like-mindedness.

  • amyishyper

    This made me laugh so hard.