How to Sell Your Crappy Product Online

It seems that every other post on Twitter and Facebook is a sales pitch from someone trying to sell a crappy product that teaches you how to sell a crappy product about how to sell a crappy product. Now, if you are anything like me, you wish there were more of these. After all, it’s what this world needs, right? More crappy products.

Well, wish no more my craptastic friend. What you are about to read is a comprehensive guide on how to sell a crappy product online. Dare I say the most comprehensive guide on how to sell a crappy product online.

Entire minutes were spent researching the science behind what you are about to read. I have personally opted in to newsletters about how to get rich quick before getting out of bed. I signed up for webinars about creating surges of traffic to your website without even having a website. And I have endured thousands of requests to “Like” Facebook pages and visit blogs about blogging for blogs. All for you.

I am confident that there is nobody more qualified to teach you how to sell your crappy product online. Period. So, let’s get started. That crappy product of yours isn’t going to sell itself you know!

You Need a Crappy Product

The first step in having a crappy product is coming up with a crappy idea. Your best bet is to find something that people either don’t want or don’t need. The obvious reason is because if they actually wanted it or needed it, they would have it. And if they already have it, you are stuck having to sell them on the idea that yours is actually better and that seems like an awful lot of work. It’s much easier to convince someone that they need something that they really don’t.

And why don’t they need it? Because all of the information in your crappy product can be found online by doing a simple Google search! For free! That’s right. You don’t even have to work very hard to create your crappy product. You can steal someone else’s crappy product instead!

Once you are done copying and pasting the material for your crappy product, you need a format. A way to deliver it to the masses. Preferably a digital format that can be delivered via download or e-mail like an e-book or an audio program. This way you don’t have to actually invest any money in your crappy product.

Which brings us to price. This part is easy. Anything that ends in a 7 will do. For example, $27, $97, $297, etc. And don’t be cheap about it just because it didn’t cost you anything to create. Customers assume that when something costs more it is worth more. So, technically, your customers want it to cost more money! You are just giving them what they want! Now that’s good customer service!

Create a Crappy Website

Next, you need a crappy website where you can market your crappy product so people can buy it. No Photoshop or design experience needed. You should go with the plain white page with 10,000 or more words on it. We want people to keep scrolling down wondering if it ever ends. This ensures that no one will actually read all of it. They will just assume that you know what you are talking about.

No graphics either. Other than a bunch of uncomfortably large “Buy Now!” buttons in bright yellow throughout the page of course. Maybe even circle them in red or point a giant arrow at it. We don’t want someone to miss an opportunity to buy your crappy product!

You also need proof of concept. The best way to do this is to include fake testimonials from fake people that love your crappy product. If you personally don’t have any fake friends or fake family members, you can find plenty on various stock photography websites. Apparently they love crappy products since fake people tend to endorse them all of the time!

Finally, don’t let people leave. If they try, hit them with a pop-up box. Make them have to figure out which button will get them out of there…either OK or Cancel. The more confusing the message the better. It seems that if they can’t leave they will eventually give up and just start waving their credit card around as a white flag of surrender.

Build Your Crappy List

The only other option you should allow aside from buying your crappy product is to join your crappy list. And if they do end up joining your list, God help them. Within a few hours of clicking join you are to enter them into a never-ending loop of crappy e-mails with more crappy offers to sell your crappy product. This is important. Don’t give up. I have found that it takes several hundred attempts at beating them down until they realize how much they have wanted your crappy product all along.

This is also an opportunity to pair your crappy product with someone else’s crappy product. Give away someone else’s crap for free if they buy yours. This way they are getting twice as much crap for the same amount of money. It’s a crappy bargain!

Pitch Your Crappy Product on Twitter

Now that you have everything in place it is time to start notifying the world. You should already have a Twitter account. Maybe a few. The first thing you need to do is setup a direct message that responds automatically every time someone follows you. You only have 140 characters, so don’t waste them on any pleasantries. Introduce yourself by asking them to either “Like” your Facebook page, visit your blog (which is just your crappy website) or go for it and ask them to just buy your crappy product.

Once this has been setup, all of your Tweets should be about your crappy product. Although you can go ahead and thank someone for following you by recommending they buy your crappy product. That is acceptable as well. Other than that, do not share, retweet, respond or otherwise offer up any value whatsoever unless of course it is a good opportunity to sell your crappy product.

Get Friends to Like Your Crappy Product

On to Facebook. Your crappy product should have it’s own page. And you should be relentless in your asking people to like that page. They want to. They just need to be asked 30-40 times before they realize it. It’s a Facebook thing. What I found to be the best strategy is to create an event called “Like My Facebook Page” and then invite everyone you know to that “event”. People love that. Almost as much as they love being invited to an event for later that day that is 3,000 miles away.

Whenever you post a status update, make sure it includes a link to buy your crappy product and one or more of the following:

  • A picture of a puppy or kitten
  • A request to share your post
  • An inspiring quote from either Oprah or the Dalai Lama
  • A misleading title

Another option with Facebook is to pay for advertising. It involves investing some money in your crappy product which you haven’t done up until this point, but it might be worth it. The important thing about an ad on Facebook is to make it misleading. Start with the picture. I have found that a picture of a woman in a bathing suit or a picture of Frank Kern works best. Just don’t confuse the two. The title needs be something equally as misleading that supports the picture you chose. For example, “Frank Kern Has a Secret.” That should work fine for either picture. For the description you can just use lorem ipsum, because with the sheer awesomeness of the picture and title, people won’t even make it to the description before clicking!

Hold a Crappy Webinar

The next part is optional but highly recommended. You should have a webinar. And your webinar should include almost no value but the promise of something big at the end. What is that something big? You guessed it. Sell your crappy product!

Now, you don’t want someone to come out of the ether after your webinar and realize they don’t need your crappy product. Have them buy it while still on the webinar. The best way to do this is to make it crystal clear that you only have 100 left even though it is a digital product. Maybe triple the price after the webinar or a similar type of threat  to get them to take action while they still have stars in their eyes.

Sell Your Crappy Product Through Other Crappy Affiliates

The final piece of the puzzle is to offer your crappy product for other affiliates to sell. Not just any affiliate will do. It’s important to find affiliates that sell other crappy products. You don’t want to approach affiliates that only sell products that they like and use. Remember, you have a crappy product and they generally don’t like to endorse crappy products.

Make sure that you offer your crappy affiliates a very small percentage of sales. Somewhere in the 2-5% range. After all, it was you that spent an entire 22 minutes of your life creating this product. Who are they to sell it and get half?

Watch as the Crappy Money Rolls In

At this point you should be able to check your e-mail and witness a sea of “Payment Received” e-mails pour in. If not, there is likely something wrong with your e-mail so please contact your e-mail provider. Clearly, it’s not because of your crappy strategy or your crappy product. That stuff is air tight.

Eventually the sales will begin to slow. That’s OK. It’s normal. All you need to do is give your crappy product a facelift. Call it “Version 2” or the “2013 Edition” or even use a different crappy name. Repurpose it somehow. And when you are ready with the updated version of your crappy product, you guessed it…time to start all over again.

Featured image courtesy of licensed via Creative Commons.

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  • Marc Zazeela

    Marc – Isn’t marketing a wonderful thing? There are enough people who can be convinced that they need something useless. If it was on the Internet, it must be worthwhile. Right?


    • Marc Ensign

      It’s the same thing that has had people fist fighting over a Tickle Me Elmo. it’s that perceived value that makes you feel that you must have it. Or maybe it’s just the sheer awesomeness of a shaking red stuffed animal with a blood curdelling laugh.

      • Christina Trapolino

        You must not have attended the Tickle Me Elmo webinar. If you give me your email address, I’ll make sure you get added to the list for any upcoming Tickle Me Elmo content — plus a free download of the Tickle Me Elmo webinar that you missed!

        P.S. A whitepaper is coming soon.

        • Marc Ensign

          Do I REALLLLLY look like the kind of guy that would miss a Tickle Me Elmo webinar? In fact I signed up for the $10,000 three day Tickle Me Elmo Boot Camp in California! C’mon. You’re not talking to an amateur here!

  • Michelle_Mazur

    This completely distills my own thoughts about online marketing. I have often wondered why does every product end with a price of $XX7? Who came up with 7 price rule? Why are all the product pages longer than my doctoral dissertation? No one read that – why would I read this? Why God why??

    • Marc Ensign

      Thank you Michelle! You are awesome for reading, sharing and commenting! A trifecta of awesomeness! As for why the price has to end I a seven? Because 7 is the new 9.

  • themightyrenegade

    This is the kind of boldness that I need to learn from. Bravo! Hey, that reminds me, I’m going to be giving a webinar on boldness for an entry fee of $27.77 (I like 7’s). Would you mind helping me promote it by throwing me some likes on facebook? Wink, nudge.
    Such an awesome post. Can’t wait for your Problogger piece. Any hints on the topic?

    • Marc Ensign

      Thanks Brian!!! I always appreciate your comments. They are a good gauge if I struck the right nerve or not. No word on the Problogger piece…it’s not as snarky as something I would do here, but it’s really good! You’ll dig it, I promise!

      • themightyrenegade

        A little bummed on the ‘not as snarky’ but I’m sure you’ll kill it. I’m also glad that I can serve as a guage for something other than ‘how angry is my wife today’.

    • Tim

      Great article, Marc! For those burnt out on social media this was a welcome read.

      Hi Brian. Love your idea about the boldness webinar – I ‘liked’ your Facebook page 6 times (at least I clicked 6 times, not sure if they all registered). I’m actually selling digital puppies that crap almost REAL virtual bricks. All of my fake friends tell me they are crap-tastic! I’m sure
      you will too. In fact, if you buy within the next 48 hours, I’ll throw in 5 free bricks – that means you don’t even have to feed your PUPPY before receiving your first brick! Yes, I said PUPPY!!! Act now and get your first one for only 1 billion cajillion schmillion and SEVEN doll heirs!

      (The above fake advertisement was completely fake.)

      Tim (@universeocean)

      • Marc Ensign

        Hmmmmm….sounds a bit too good to be true…..but….I’ll take it!

      • themightyrenegade

        Hey Tim, just checked out your ‘universe’ and whoa Nelly! I’ll take one of those virtual puppies by the way.

  • nathasha alvarez

    You’re hilarious! BTW, it’s me @audaciouslady

    • Marc Ensign

      Ha! Thank you!! I guess you’re not reading this one at work, huh?

  • Mel Smith

    Hey Marc, love this tongue-in-cheek post! I have been following you for a while but have never commented before now. Your writing has improved tremendously. I loved the line “well, wish no more my craptastic friend”. It literally made me laugh. Keep being awesome! :)

    • Marc Ensign

      Hi Mel! First, thanks a lot for reading for a while, even though you have been flying under the radar! That means a lot! There are a lot of great blogs out there, so I don’t take that lightly!

      Happy to give you a laugh today. That was one of those lines that actually had me laugh out loud this morning too! Thanks so much for the kind words, for coming back and for leaving a comment. I’m very grateful!

  • Irina Smirnova

    Now I’m all confused, Marc. Before I thought I had a pretty good idea of how to “sell” and “not sell”, and now… I’m lost! Can you now write a straightforward guide lol – for simple minded people like me? Wait… may be it’ll sink in within a couple of days. Never mind. Meanwhile – write more funny stuff. You’re really good at it!

    • Marc Ensign

      Yikes…write something straight forward? That’s a pretty tall order. I don’t know if I could approach it that way but I’ll give it a shot one of these days! Ithe meantime, if you are confused at all, don’t be shy! Ask me ANYTHING!

  • Gary Wong

    Hi Marc

    This is so good. It makes me laugh out 😀

    Hilarious and making lots of sense at the same time
    – Valuable, readable and entertaining

    I will follow your guide through..
    It helps us understand why we irritated people at times :-)

    • Marc Ensign

      Thanks Gary! Glad to see you back here and getting some value out of my posts again! 😉

  • Simon Thompson

    Marc Ensign is so good I want to Tweet him twice. A brilliantly entertaining piece as usual.

    • Marc Ensign

      Thank you Simon!! My only question to you is why only twice? Kidding…I won’t be greedy. I appreciate every Tweet of yours!

  • Doe Gasque

    You fraking rock Marc! Do you have a crappy product that I could buy? Thank you so much for bringing so much laughter to my day.

    • Marc Ensign

      Thanks Doe! I don’t right now but I’m sure at some point I while like a book or something and I will regret having written this post!

  • Scott D. Jones

    You made me laugh! Great Post brother!

    • Marc Ensign

      Thanks Scott! And thanks for leaving a comment!!!

  • PJ Michaels

    Very nice crappy post, Marc. It is not only amusing but useful indeed.

    • Marc Ensign

      Thanks PJ!….I think :)

  • Sif Neo

    Frank Kern Has a Secret ;))) So Funny Cheers Marc

    • Marc Ensign

      WOuld love to hear his take on this post…or maybe I wouldn’t. I’m not sure. I’ll tell you what. You get him to read it and I’ll take cover. Tell me when it’s OK to come out.

      • tom horn

        So much time is waisted by looking for some thing you d not want when you get it , life ends as it begins , you enter with nothing , you leave with nothing , as the clock slowly ticks and I struggle to breath through a mask of oxygen and my mind failing this is my only way to the outside world I lay alone 23 hours a day still looking for a way to the riches of wealth that I never find .
        Thank you

  • Lloyd Mabena

    hahahahhaha…lolsssss!…NO Comment.

    • Marc Ensign

      Technically, that is a comment you know.

  • Patti Langell

    Thank you for making me laugh! I am about to launch a product and although I think it is great and useful, you are making me scared to market it. Oh well, I only have 100 of the digital things anyway 😉

    • Marc Ensign

      Hi Patti! So, it’s been a little while. How did the product launch go?

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  • ivg star

    you can sell your products worldwide here:

  • Planetary Bargains

    Absolutely classic, thanks for the article, it was very timely to read this since I seemed to be surrounded with crappy product salespeople these days, now with this information maybe I can join them and become their leader !

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  • mike

    I do have a product I would like to market, would offering it on twitter be offensive?