14 Reasons Why You Are No Longer Allowed to Use Twitter or Facebook

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A bunch of us have been talking and well, I have some good news and some bad news.

The bad news is that you are no longer allowed to use Facebook or Twitter. Or Google Plus. Maybe even LinkedIn, we’re still debating that one. You can keep Pinterest though. None of us really like Pinterest.

It’s nothing personal. You’re just kind of annoying a bunch of us and we want you to stop before you ruin it for everybody.

Now, before you throw one of your little tantrums and take your proverbial basketball and go home, I also have some good news! Just think of all of the new opportunities this will bring you! Why, with all of this newfound spare time, you will finally have a chance to dedicate more energy to your other hobbies like building model airplanes and stamp collecting! I know, pinch me, right?

I don’t want you to think I’m treating you unjustly, so I put together these 14 reasons why you are no longer allowed to Social Media.

1) You Are a Sucky Human Being

Social media is about building relationships and connecting with people. So, when you walk into the room with your “what’s in it for me” attitude, don’t be too surprised when the rest of us run in the opposite direction. You’re the Social Media equivalent of that weird uncle that shows up to family gatherings every few years and tries to sell everyone insurance. Only in this case it’s some crappy info product. And if the only value you have to offer is a link to that crappy product you are desperately trying to unload, it might be a good time to find another profession. Taking over for Mother Theresa is a little out of reach.

2) You Don’t “Get” It

If you don’t “get” social media, then you are clearly over-thinking it. It’s fairly simple. There is a box. That box asks you “What’s happening?” Type something in that box. Click the button. Repeat throughout the course of the day. Wake up tomorrow and do it again. It’s really not that complicated.

3) You Don’t Have Enough Time

I get it. You’re busy. Much too busy running into burning buildings and saving puppies in your spare time to be bothered with stuff like Social Media. Tweet this. Like that. Pin this. Share that. I know, it’s exhausting. My thumbs hurt just thinking about it. Perhaps if you stopped using Facebook to watch cat videos you might have more time. Just saying.

4) You Take “Social Media ROI” Seriously

Most companies see Social Media as a sales or direct marketing tool. That’s probably why they suck at it. Social Media is the modern day water cooler. A way for you to communicate and connect with the people around you. Only now, everyone is around you! It’s where the people that don’t buy something are equally as important as the ones that do. And in some cases they are actually more important. Trying to measure some type of return on those relationships cheapens them. Think about it. Do you like being on the receiving end of the equation? Where you are nothing more than another tick mark on some giant corporations conversion chart? Or do you prefer to be treated like a human being?

5) You’re a Bit of an Asshole

Sorry to be so blunt about it, but there are some of you out there that are just a bunch of assholes. And you act as though it were your mission in life to prove it. Look, we all have opinions. The difference is that you force yours on my friends and me by making some borderline racist or otherwise insensitive remark on my wall in response to something positive that I posted. And now, because you felt it necessary to use me to dust off your 1930′s way of thinking, you have put me in the precarious position of either censoring your stupid comment or leaving it there so everyone I know will assume we both think like cavemen.

6) You Are Only Doing it for the Benefit of SEO

It’s true. There are some benefits to Social Media outside of building relationships. And search engine optimization is one of them. But if the only reason that you are spending your time on Twitter or Facebook is to verbally barf up links to your website, it’s not going to work. It’s simple math:

  • You + Sharing Links to Your Own Website = :(
  • Me + Sharing Links to Your Website = :)
  • Us + Sharing Links to Your Website = :D

In other words, linking to your own website is not going to get it done. You need all of your friends and followers to share your links for it to be of any value. The problem is that we only share extraordinary content. Not your lame Twinfomercials!

7) You Have Nothing Valuable to Say

A word of advise. When it’s only valuable to you, it’s not valuable. You have to have something to offer the community. Maybe it’s advice. Or a good laugh. Or your friendship. Or a new way to look at an old problem. Something that is going to make the rest of us look forward to what you have to say because it is worth something to the rest of us. And no, retweeting yourself is not it. Keep thinking.

8) You Are an Expert

But first, a public service announcement:

“The expert, guru, rock star, ninja, Jedi and diva quota on Twitter has been filled. We will notify you of additional availability once a spot has opened. You are currently number 423,651,991 in line. We thank you for your interest.” 

The truth is that there are maybe a dozen or so actual experts roaming the planet. Maybe. And no offense, but I’m pretty sure that you are not one of them. I know I’m not. And I’m OK with that. Do you know the best way to tell if someone is not an expert? They call themselves an expert! True experts are much too humble to actually label themselves like that.

9) All You Do is Quote Other People

Don’t get me wrong. Inspirational quotes are great. But if I have to read that damn quote about learning to dance in the rain one more time I am going to personally beat you over the head with your umbrella.

10) You Use Some Form of “I Follow Back” in Your Bio.

This is your chance to talk about what you have to offer. How you can best serve the community. And what do you come up with? “I am just another blank face and empty voice in that pile of followers that already don’t pay attention to you.” Really? This is your chance. A unique opportunity to set your own worth and share it with the world, and what have you chosen? “Worthless.” Nice job.

11) You Purchase Likes, Follows, Pins or Views

I’ll never understand this one. What is the point of buying friends? Other than to prove to your high school gym teacher that you turned out popular and didn’t have to learn how to use a lacrosse stick to get there of course. These friends that you are buying are fake. Most of them are not real accounts and the ones that are don’t pay attention to a word you say. Let me ask you this. Do you also give free seminars to rows of your childhood stuffed animals? Why not? It’s not that much different.

12) Your Posts Tend to Be Very Snarky and Obnoxious

12) You Flex Your Social Muscle

This is an excerpt from an actual review I read online the other day:

“I have over 500 Facebook friends, and I will also warn them all about getting ripped off by you!”

Well, look at you Mr. Popularity! You know, it’s not so much the number of friends you have or the fact that you actually think that number holds some sort of weight that bugs me. It’s the idea that you have made it your mission to bring down a billion dollar company because you didn’t feel that the person behind the front desk did a good enough job of kissing your ass. So you drag the rest of us into your fight with you. Now we’re all stuck listening to you whine about it in between those riveting posts about your kids or the pictures you take of your dinner. It’s the modern day David and Goliath…only this time I’m pretty sure Goliath will take this one.

13) The Only Time I Hear From You is Through an Invitation

I was invited to join a Facebook group the other day that was entitled “Women with Heart.” If you really need me to elaborate on this one I will, but I think that pretty much says all it needs to.

14) You Take the Last One…

I can’t just end on number 13. My superstitious OCD brain won’t allow it. So, this next one is yours. In the comments below, give it your best shot. The winner will receive something really awesome with absolutely no tangible value whatsoever. I’m not sure what it will be, but I’m pretty sure the instant gratification of knowing you beat out everyone else will be worth much more.

Now, let’s see what you got!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002206323400 Jim Adams

    *stands back and applauds* – This could sum up just about 95% of everyone I come into contact with on all those social media sites you mention. Perhaps we could start a revolution haha. Great post Marc as ever.

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      Thanks Jim! You know, you might be onto something!!! A social media site only for those of us that don’t suck at social media!

  • Simon Thompson

    I understand your occasional need to stand back the quality of your posts has clearly benefited from a short sabatical. This is gutsy meaty mean and brilliant. Thumbs up Marc. x

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      Thanks Simon!!! Good to hear you haven’t forgotten about me after my short sabbatical!!

  • http://twitter.com/jonathandevore1 Jonathan DeVore

    I love the post! And, as usual, I’m guilty. I’m new to marketing on social networks, so I seek out a lot of advice from others. I heard all about the selling potential on Facebook and Twitter, and so I approached it that way (i.e. the wrong way). I tried experiments with it and came to the same conclusion you did – I suck at using these things. And it’s because I was approaching them in the wrong way. I just mimicked what others did instead of acting on common sense (sigh).

    Oh well, I learned a lesson and hopefully won’t repeat the same mistakes.

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      Hey, at least you caught yourself!!! Most of those out there seem to be getting worse!!!

  • M M

    You almost covered all of what drives me nuts of how people use social media. But the one that bugs me the most is the auto-DM replies from people on Twitter who say ” Look forward to your Tweets! Also let’s be friends on Facebook and LinkedIn! Check out the link to my ebook Get Rich While You Sleep For Dummies!” These losers get an immediate unfollow from me. Don’t DM me on Twitter unless you know me or want to connect offline.

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      I could easily write a book on Auto DM’s alone!!!

  • http://twitter.com/MattLBrennan Copywriter Matt

    13 made me laugh because it’s true. I was invited to a cosmetology event via G+ a little while back. Somehow I don’t really think I’m really the target market they’re pursuing. Good advice though.

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      Maybe we can meetup at your cosmetology event and then head over to my women with heart group. It’ll be sweet!!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/mick.haensler Mick Haensler

    We stopped posting to SM about a month ago. We found that we were being nothing more than parrots with very little original content. We’re still trying to ascertain what our voice will be. Until we do the silence will continue. I refuse to be part of the problem.

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      I commend you for taking (in)action and not being part of the problem. Just don’t give up!!! Reinvent yourself…

  • Ryan Naylor

    Social media is no different than any other media. It’s not the FORM, it’s the THOUGHT BEHIND THE FORM. If you really think social media IS different than tv, radio, newspapers, etc. then you just got sucked in. No biggie, we eventually learn to get out and let go eventually.

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      Nicely put Ryan !

  • Cindy Flanders

    Brilliant and true! Enough said.

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      Thank you Cindy!!! Enough said too.

  • http://www.writinginflow.blogspot.com Beverly Diehl

    I have always wanted something totally awesome with no tangible value whatsoever. Then I could go all braggy on FaceBook and Twitter about how I WON the Internets.

    Or, maybe just with my Women with Heart group.

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      You’ve officially stumped me. I have no idea how to respond. Kudos!!!!

  • Stephanie Weaver

    You create “memes”. Nuff said.

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      Now, if only I could find some pictures of kittens or weird looking babies…

  • Shannon Bradley-Colleary

    I think I may be one of the assholes and I bought some of my friends. Would you like me to buy you? What do you cost? I can make cat mittens for you? Do you have any cats? Also I might have just eaten a plug of peyote.

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      Take a deep breath Shannon! It’ll all be OK. Now about those mittens…

  • Stumac

    I got rid of my Twitter account earlier this year and am just going back to Facebook after a break. How refreshing! Now to work out to use it for quality content!

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      Funny, I actually did the opposite. I moved away from Facebook because I found the connections that I made on Twitter were so much more genuine and valuable than they were on Facebook. I suppose it all comes down to your voice and where it works best!

  • Jean

    Twitter chat is built for those who can never get enough buzzwords and platitudes.

  • Deb

    #3 influences #7 & 9 for me, which is probably why I haven’t been on in a while–though I did find this article there! :-)

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      When most people say they don’t have the time for social media it is because the amount of time spent grossly outweighs the value you are getting out of it. It’s why I don’t use Pinterest. I don’t have time for it because it does nothing for me given the time I put into it.

  • http://twitter.com/Really_Useful RUTD

    I must admit 9 & 10 drive me bonkers. I always than people who follow me and check out their twitters streams to see what they are up to. If I find something interesting I try to send a thoughtful RT or make a comment on their site. Then they come back with the auto DM. I hate it.
    The inspirational quotes are the last refuge of shallow person. How can they be so easily inspired or motivated.

    But my most hated SM behaviour has to be the bullying. I have seen adults bully each other and gang up on one person. That should be grounds for being banned from SM.

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      I completely agree with the shallowness of some osocual media. It’s frustrating! Would you respond that way if I met you in person? I hope not!

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  • Van Brown

    I tend to be unimpressed when a person’s “virtual assistant” or robotics are so impersonal that I know the response is not really from the person I was addressing, especially when it involves a colleague or actual friend. And to number nine above, take note when people reply to comment on the quote you’ve posted, and acknowledge them. When you don’t, it’s a dead give-away that your tweets are either being processed by a robot, or that you obviously don’t care to converse with, or don’t even read things said to you by people you claim to “follow”.

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      Hello friend! Thank you for your intelligent and/or funny comment to my blog! Your point is valid or I respectfully disagree. Please come back often and leave more comments so that I can continue to respond personally!

  • Susan Williams

    How about: “You’re no longer allowed to use Twitter or Facebook if you’re a dang liar.”
    And I’m not just talking about someone who perhaps makes a story more colorful for the sake of telling a good story. I actually appreciate the art in that.
    I’m talking about people who use Facebook to help them invent a reality that is almost complete fiction, but highly dramatic, to elicit sympathy.
    As soon as I get back from my stay at the world renowned Johns Hopkins medical facility where I hope to have my chronic and terminal disease properly diagnosed and treated so that I can carry on bravely in the face of adversity, and care for my eight brilliant but starving children, I’ll explain more fully, and give you my Paypal address, in case you’d like to assist me.

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      I’m glad you clarified because I have been known to take a little creative liberty on occasion. Shhhhh…don’t tell anyone!!

      That’s similar to those that have their public pity party on Facebook by making things out to be worse than they actually are. Just bad on so many levels!

  • http://twitter.com/audaciouslady Nathasha Alvarez

    I laughed so much. The part about your thumbs hurting LOLOL #blogchat

    I wanted to let you know that I AM the only Latina DIVA on wheels :)

    I wanted to comment on your site that my biggest peeve are the people who kiss ass on twitter with their fake XOXO as if they know or care about the people they’ve never met. And the people who tweet back & forth with you during a twitter party simply to be nice then later on they are like “huh?”

    Glad you’re back

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      Yay! I know when I have you laughing I’ve done something right. Or horribly wrong.

      And just for the record, I don’t kiss your ass on Twitter (even though the opening statement of this comment may have appeared that way). I genuinely like you! Sorry, another kiss ass comment. XOXO

  • michael

    Well done. My new favourite blog. Came to this page via the 2012 post on rock stars, gurus and ninjas, which pretty much summed up my cynicism towards not only social media but the ad industry in general. Great job….

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      Wow!!! Thanks Michael! New favorite blog huh? Well no pressure there. Now I have a lot to live up to! Thanks a lot! I really appreciate the kind words! I do! Really! All joking aside!!!