A bunch of us have been talking and well, I have some good news and some bad news.
The bad news is that you are no longer allowed to use Facebook or Twitter. Or Google Plus. Maybe even LinkedIn, we’re still debating that one. You can keep Pinterest though. None of us really like Pinterest.
It’s nothing personal. You’re just kind of annoying a bunch of us and we want you to stop before you ruin it for everybody.
Now, before you throw one of your little tantrums and take your proverbial basketball and go home, I also have some good news! Just think of all of the new opportunities this will bring you! Why, with all of this newfound spare time, you will finally have a chance to dedicate more energy to your other hobbies like building model airplanes and stamp collecting! I know, pinch me, right?
I don’t want you to think I’m treating you unjustly, so I put together these 14 reasons why you are no longer allowed to Social Media.
1) You Are a Sucky Human Being
Social media is about building relationships and connecting with people. So, when you walk into the room with your “what’s in it for me” attitude, don’t be too surprised when the rest of us run in the opposite direction. You’re the Social Media equivalent of that weird uncle that shows up to family gatherings every few years and tries to sell everyone insurance. Only in this case it’s some crappy info product. And if the only value you have to offer is a link to that crappy product you are desperately trying to unload, it might be a good time to find another profession. Taking over for Mother Theresa is a little out of reach.
2) You Don’t “Get” It
If you don’t “get” social media, then you are clearly over-thinking it. It’s fairly simple. There is a box. That box asks you “What’s happening?” Type something in that box. Click the button. Repeat throughout the course of the day. Wake up tomorrow and do it again. It’s really not that complicated.
3) You Don’t Have Enough Time
I get it. You’re busy. Much too busy running into burning buildings and saving puppies in your spare time to be bothered with stuff like Social Media. Tweet this. Like that. Pin this. Share that. I know, it’s exhausting. My thumbs hurt just thinking about it. Perhaps if you stopped using Facebook to watch cat videos you might have more time. Just saying.
4) You Take “Social Media ROI” Seriously
Most companies see Social Media as a sales or direct marketing tool. That’s probably why they suck at it. Social Media is the modern day water cooler. A way for you to communicate and connect with the people around you. Only now, everyone is around you! It’s where the people that don’t buy something are equally as important as the ones that do. And in some cases they are actually more important. Trying to measure some type of return on those relationships cheapens them. Think about it. Do you like being on the receiving end of the equation? Where you are nothing more than another tick mark on some giant corporations conversion chart? Or do you prefer to be treated like a human being?
5) You’re a Bit of an Asshole
Sorry to be so blunt about it, but there are some of you out there that are just a bunch of assholes. And you act as though it were your mission in life to prove it. Look, we all have opinions. The difference is that you force yours on my friends and me by making some borderline racist or otherwise insensitive remark on my wall in response to something positive that I posted. And now, because you felt it necessary to use me to dust off your 1930’s way of thinking, you have put me in the precarious position of either censoring your stupid comment or leaving it there so everyone I know will assume we both think like cavemen.
6) You Are Only Doing it for the Benefit of SEO
It’s true. There are some benefits to Social Media outside of building relationships. And search engine optimization is one of them. But if the only reason that you are spending your time on Twitter or Facebook is to verbally barf up links to your website, it’s not going to work. It’s simple math:
- You + Sharing Links to Your Own Website = :(
- Me + Sharing Links to Your Website = :)
- Us + Sharing Links to Your Website = :D
In other words, linking to your own website is not going to get it done. You need all of your friends and followers to share your links for it to be of any value. The problem is that we only share extraordinary content. Not your lame Twinfomercials!
7) You Have Nothing Valuable to Say
A word of advise. When it’s only valuable to you, it’s not valuable. You have to have something to offer the community. Maybe it’s advice. Or a good laugh. Or your friendship. Or a new way to look at an old problem. Something that is going to make the rest of us look forward to what you have to say because it is worth something to the rest of us. And no, retweeting yourself is not it. Keep thinking.
8) You Are an Expert
But first, a public service announcement:
“The expert, guru, rock star, ninja, Jedi and diva quota on Twitter has been filled. We will notify you of additional availability once a spot has opened. You are currently number 423,651,991 in line. We thank you for your interest.”
The truth is that there are maybe a dozen or so actual experts roaming the planet. Maybe. And no offense, but I’m pretty sure that you are not one of them. I know I’m not. And I’m OK with that. Do you know the best way to tell if someone is not an expert? They call themselves an expert! True experts are much too humble to actually label themselves like that.
9) All You Do is Quote Other People
Don’t get me wrong. Inspirational quotes are great. But if I have to read that damn quote about learning to dance in the rain one more time I am going to personally beat you over the head with your umbrella.
10) You Use Some Form of “I Follow Back” in Your Bio.
This is your chance to talk about what you have to offer. How you can best serve the community. And what do you come up with? “I am just another blank face and empty voice in that pile of followers that already don’t pay attention to you.” Really? This is your chance. A unique opportunity to set your own worth and share it with the world, and what have you chosen? “Worthless.” Nice job.
11) You Purchase Likes, Follows, Pins or Views
I’ll never understand this one. What is the point of buying friends? Other than to prove to your high school gym teacher that you turned out popular and didn’t have to learn how to use a lacrosse stick to get there of course. These friends that you are buying are fake. Most of them are not real accounts and the ones that are don’t pay attention to a word you say. Let me ask you this. Do you also give free seminars to rows of your childhood stuffed animals? Why not? It’s not that much different.
12) Your Posts Tend to Be Very Snarky and Obnoxious
12) You Flex Your Social Muscle
This is an excerpt from an actual review I read online the other day:
“I have over 500 Facebook friends, and I will also warn them all about getting ripped off by you!”
Well, look at you Mr. Popularity! You know, it’s not so much the number of friends you have or the fact that you actually think that number holds some sort of weight that bugs me. It’s the idea that you have made it your mission to bring down a billion dollar company because you didn’t feel that the person behind the front desk did a good enough job of kissing your ass. So you drag the rest of us into your fight with you. Now we’re all stuck listening to you whine about it in between those riveting posts about your kids or the pictures you take of your dinner. It’s the modern day David and Goliath…only this time I’m pretty sure Goliath will take this one.
13) The Only Time I Hear From You is Through an Invitation
I was invited to join a Facebook group the other day that was entitled “Women with Heart.” If you really need me to elaborate on this one I will, but I think that pretty much says all it needs to.
14) You Take the Last One…
I can’t just end on number 13. My superstitious OCD brain won’t allow it. So, this next one is yours. In the comments below, give it your best shot. The winner will receive something really awesome with absolutely no tangible value whatsoever. I’m not sure what it will be, but I’m pretty sure the instant gratification of knowing you beat out everyone else will be worth much more.
Now, let’s see what you got!