Home / Inspirational / Screw the Golden Rule

Screw the Golden Rule

Posted by in Inspirational, Personal Development on July 9, 2012
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platinum

That’s right, I said it. The Golden Rule sucks. This whole idea of treat others as you want to be treated doesn’t work. Sure, it looks good on paper but if you are interested in building quality relationships with other people that are not your clones, treating them as you want to be treated is not going to get it done.

Suppose for example that you are a masochist. Oh, stop being so oversensitive, it’s just an example. Granted, it’s probably an inappropriate example, but an example nonetheless. By definition, as a masochist that means that you derive pleasure from being humiliated or mistreated by others. So, if you were to live by the Golden Rule doesn’t that mean that you should go about your life humiliating and mistreating everyone you come in contact with? After all, that would technically be treating them as you want to be treated, isn’t it? In the rare case that all of your friends are also masochists, it might work, but I’m guessing as a general rule this approach would be a bad idea.

So, that’s a pretty extreme example. I get that. But it really doesn’t matter who you are. You could bleed gummy bears and rainbows and that approach is not going to work with everyone you come in contact with. Walk into a cut throat negotiation treating everyone with hugs and giggles and let me know how it goes. Spoiler alert…you don’t win.

The problem that I have with the Golden Rule is that it assumes that other people want to be treated the same as you. Most don’t. They are individuals. They have their own likes and dislikes. They have their own ideas of how they should be treated and it’s actually a bit egotistical to think that it is identical to yours.

The Golden Rule gives no thought to the needs of the other person in the equation. What it really says is that you don’t care enough to figure out who they really are and what they really like.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not suggesting that we as a society live like Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome. I am suggesting that there is a better way.

The Platinum Rule

That better way is the Platinum Rule. Developed by Milton Bennett, an acclaimed cross-cultural researcher, it states: treat others as they want to be treated. Very similar rule. Only one minor change. But that one minor change makes all of the difference.

Think about it.

What would it do to your relationships if you were to stop treating the other person the way that you like to be treated and instead were to treat them how they want to be treated? If you were to stop seeing everyone through the same lens but instead made a sincere effort to get to know each person you come in contact with for who they are as an individual and act accordingly?

Of course living by the Platinum Rule is more difficult. It requires that you try and get to know the people around you. It requires that you get better at reading personalities. It requires that you actually listen to what other people have to say. It requires that you care for and respect other people enough to really get to know them.

But is that so bad? Isn’t that what this society really needs right about now? Wouldn’t there be less fighting in the world if people weren’t always so hell bent on projecting their own beliefs onto others? That’s right, I’m looking at you religion and politics.

That last sentence is going to get me in trouble, isn’t it?

Look, I know it’s not always easy. Perhaps I’m just being a bit naive. But isn’t it at least worth a try? Let me know what you think in the comments below. Just remember, how I like to be treated. Showered with compliments and warm fuzzy feelings.

About Marc

My name is Marc Ensign and my mission is to Save the Internet from all of the gurus, rock stars and ninjas dirtying up the place with their nonsense. I write a lot about the pitfalls of being human as well as social media and SEO. Which reminds me, if you want a new take on SEO (i.e. one that works) check out my free (and pretty awesome) SEO E-book!

  • http://www.facebook.com/core.redonnett Core Redonnett

    Thanks Marc, great perspective. Did this last week, it actually turned out ok, some people who are miserable, hateful people, are used to having others threat them that way, so it’s expected. It’s just sad that we take it, I think people are taken aback and don’t know how to appreciate kindness and thoughtfulness, now there is something, thinking about someone else and going beyond your treatment of them.

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      Thanks for the comment Core! Curious…what happened last week? Give us some details!!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/mike.goldman.94 Mike Goldman

    I totally agree. Think about it from a leadership perspective as well. As a leader, should I treat my team the way I want to be treated? Should I assume my team is motivated by the same things that motivate me? What if my primary motivation is money and theirs is quality time with their family? I might incent them with a $ bonus if they’ll work tons of overtime for me – the opposite of what they’re looking for.
    The challenge for leaders is this means getting to know the goals and values of each member of your team…not easy, but necessary if you want a high performing team.

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      Thanks Mike! That is a perfect example! I have nothing more to add to it…not even a witty comment!

  • http://pegfitzpatrick.com/ Peg Fitzpatrick

    Oh Marcy Marc, opening up the can of worms. Can’t wait for the responses to this section “That’s right, I’m looking at you religion and politics.” You poke that stick, buddy.

    “Of course living by the Platinum Rule is more difficult. It requires that you try and get to know the people around you. It requires that you get better at reading personalities.” So, I will tell you something about me, Marc. I am great at reading people. I can tell when they are grumpy bastards, mean or just trying to provoke people. I still choose to be nice to them and smile. I am not going to let their crappy attitude and sour disposition ruin my positive attitude. Sure, sometimes the trolls (which most of those people are) can make me upset but I am blocking them and moving on.

    We have a choice, especially in the virtual world, of the people that we choose to talk to, engage and work with. Positive people attract other positive people and the same with negative people. I choose positive and treating others with kindness even when that isn’t what they think they want. People like to be smiled at.

    • http://www.facebook.com/mike.goldman.94 Mike Goldman

      I don’t interpret the platinum rule to as being mean or grumpy to someone because they’re mean and grumpy. I interpret it as understanding the other person’s perspective, value and goals and treating them appropriately. We can’t assume what motivates or influences us is what motivates or influences other individuals.

      • http://pegfitzpatrick.com/ Peg Fitzpatrick

        ”
        We can’t assume what motivates or influences us is what motivates or influences other individuals.” This is why I feel that the Golden Rule is appropriate.

        • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

          But the Golden Rule states that you should treat others as you want to be treated. So by definition you are assuming what motivates or influences others is the same as what motivates or influenced us if you are treating others the way you want to be treated.

          • Anon YMouse

            The Platinum Rule has exactly the same problems in the reverse. The Platinum Rule states that you should treat others as they want to be treated. So by definition you are assuming how others want to be treated is the same as what you would be comfortable with treating them. Just because someone is offended by something you say doesn’t mean you did anything wrong or have to conform to their principles or personality. If a racist is offended that I want equal rights, the Platinum Rule by definition is saying we shouldn’t fight for equal rights because some people are offended by them. And there is no wiggling around this. Like I said, this rule is only replacing one set of problems with others. There has to be a better way.

          • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

            Great point Anon! In many ways you are right. It’s tough to paint with such broad strokes with these types of “rules.” What do you think that better way is then?

      • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

        Amen brother Mike! Take THAT Peggy!

        • http://pegfitzpatrick.com/ Peg Fitzpatrick

          Honey, really. Rethink…

          • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

            Naaahhh. I’m on vacation. No time to rethink. Maybe next week?

          • http://pegfitzpatrick.com/ Peg Fitzpatrick

            Slacker.

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      Oh Peggy Peg. Just because you come across someone that is grumpy doesn’t mean you have to be grumpy. Dig a little deeper. When we first “met” you right away caught my sarcastic sense of humor (and boyish charm) and met it with a similar level of sarcasm. That’s why we’re BFF’s (slight exaggeration). Had you responded to me all nicey nice we probably wouldn’t have connected. At the same time, if you were to treat everyone like you treated me when we first met, you are going to make a lot of people cry in your lifetime. I hate to say this, but you my BFF are working the Platinum Rule!

      • http://pegfitzpatrick.com/ Peg Fitzpatrick

        Which part when we first met, when I said you were my favorite? Did that make you cry a little tear of joy?

        I probably do work the Platinum rule because as I mentioned I am good at reading people and you like flattery, as do 99.9% of the people in the world. Given sincerely and only based on something solid, it is meaningful. I am very kind and cheerful to everyone but big compliments come few and far between.

        We could be BFF’s once I get you past the puppy stage. We’ll see how the housetraining goes.

        • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

          Not so fast there Pegster. If you remember, we actually connected after you had commented on my post http://www.marcensign.com/once-upon-a-time-your-bio-put-me-to-sleep/ not because you complimented me or said I was your favorite (which was pretty obvious anyway). You challenged me. You made me think. Whether it was done on purpose or not! I like and respect people that challenge me. Someone that can take a punch and hit right back. Not because of being showered with compliments. I’m not that shallow.

          Look at my interaction with Julien Smith in my post last week http://www.marcensign.com/how-julien-smith-saved-my-life/ – not one compliment drove that. I was being challenged and I gained a whole new respect for Julien beyond him just being a good writer because of it.

          • http://pegfitzpatrick.com/ Peg Fitzpatrick

            Drats, you sobered up. Ok, I was just teasing there. I was interested in your post. I admit it.

            And, of course, I made you think on purpose! I was inspired to comment and continue the dialogue with you. I love digging deeply into conversations and setting thoughts in motion. When people tell me, as you did for this post coincidentally, that I inspired their post or an idea they had, it means a lot to me. I treasure people who do that for me and it is one of the things that appeals to me about social media.

            “I like and respect people that challenge me. Someone that can take a punch and hit right back.” These are traits that I also enjoy.

            So in the words of someone, somewhere….”bring it on!”

  • http://twitter.com/LEAmerman Laura Amerman, CFRE

    Marc, you hit the nail on the head for fundraisers! I know, i know, here I go again about fundraising! This is the central ethic for donor-centered fundraising. It’s never about YOU, it’s about the DONORS! Non profits need to stop “communicating” what an awesome job the do feeding poor, helpless, orphaned, enslaved kittens and start telling their donors how they, the donors, have saved the world. Yay platinum rule!

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      Why aren’t you writing a book on fundraising? You are one of few people that “gets it” and have a good in your face way of approaching the topic. Besides, you know where to put apostrophes. Think about it.

  • http://www.websitebegin.com Joe Boyle

    I think the Golden & Platinum rules have their place in society, but I think the general situations in which the individual encounters is the real heart of the situation. In your daily life, I think the platinum rule is appropriate. Hell, even the Golden rule is appropriate. But let’s think of this on a larger scale.

    If you want to spend your life being pushed around and being your boss’ little robot, then go ahead and live your life following those rules. I’m assuming that the mindset of your life is to pursue your business and succeed. If so, it doesn’t take a genius to realize that the mindset of businessmen and those who work for businessmen is not to please the person next to them. I like to quote Pink Floyd;

    “Don’t accept that what’s happening is just a case of others’ suffering, or you’ll find that you’re joining in the turning away… Driven on by a heart of stone, we could find that we’re all alone in the dream of the proud.”

    I think that as a businessman, your “rule” isn’t to treat others as they want to be treated, but to divide your fellow ‘beings into two camps: Those who are useful to you, and those who will buy things from you.

    For those that are useful to you, they great that complete platinum treatment – make them love you. There was an interview with Robert Cringley – a man who worked closely with Steve, in which he said,

    “Everyone in Steve Jobs’ life went through three phases. They were either
    being seduced, ignored, or scourged, and it all depended upon whether
    he needed you or not… If he needed you, he was your best friend and he would
    seduce you. And then you would work like a dog, and then if you weren’t
    working hard enough he would scourge you and ultimately he would throw
    you away.”

    For those who could buy things from you, though, they get a different treatment – the one that will put the bucks in your pocket. It’s a messed up way of looking at business, but it’s really what it’s come down to.

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      I’m going to have to disagree with you on this one Joe. If you go through life cutting people up into two categories based on what you can extract from them you are going to live a tough life. Sure, you may find yourself financially successful, but without people close to you and a whole bunch of regrets.

      People will ultimately see right through your behavior when you treat them differently when they are holding a credit card and not because of who they are and that’s how you build a reputation. Don’t forget, people like to do business with people they like. And people like the people that treat them good because of who they are and because of what they can do for you.

      I’m going to quote the Rolling Stones..”But it’s all right now, in fact, it’s a gas! But it’s all right, Im jumpin jack flash, Its a gas! gas! gas!” – it has nothing to do with your point. I just had the song stuck in my head. :)

      • http://www.websitebegin.com Joe Boyle

        All right, redemption time. I meant this as more of a business-approach instead of a life approach. I think the Platinum rule fits perfectly with the regular-day-by-day mindset that most of society follows. But as a businessman/leader, you must take on a different approach.

        It’s no longer a matter of wrong from right, it’s a matter of coming out on top – look at big business in today’s society. That’s all it takes to realize that things aren’t about doing the right thing for people’s heads, but people’s wallets.

    • http://www.facebook.com/mike.goldman.94 Mike Goldman

      Not sure I’d use Steve Jobs as an example of how to treat people. He was a success because he was a genius at product design. If he had to rely on his relationship skills, he would have been a resounding failure.

  • http://milaspage.com/ Mila Araujo

    We celebrate diversity in this world. That’s the way. I didn’t even realize the golden rule was even acceptable any more, the platinum rule is the way to go! There are too many different types of people in the world to go around assuming they all want the same thing, unless of course- the one exception- its that you can safely assume everyone wants to be respected and seen for who they are and most importantly considered for what THEY need :) 

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      We SHOULD celebrate diversity in this world but unfortunately there are a lot of people who don’t. But with that said, I think there is more and more of a shift in acceptance as the younger generations come to “power” for lack of a better term. Look at gay marriage. Ask someone in their 50′s or 60′s and a good majority are not 100% OK with it. They come back with some bizarro version of “you can be roommates, just don’t tell anyone and it will be just like you are married” but ask someone in their 20′s and the majority don’t see it as being a big deal. They are accepting of it. They see others for who they are in that instance. It’s a shift towards the Platinum Rule…at least in that example anyway.

  • http://twitter.com/ron_sparks Ron Sparks

    nice timing, a friend of mine just gave me the book called ‘the platinum rule’ This stuff is gold! (or platinum)

    • http://www.marcensign.com/blog Marc Ensign

      Thanks for the comment Ron! You have to stop by after reading the book and let us all know how it is!